When I was 15 I did two things: I started a band with only women musicians and I decided that I was a witch.
At that time I had no idea what the f… sexism was about historically, politically, or culturally. I just knew that I wanted access to things that were not immediately accessible to me without me claiming them explicitly.
The discourse I was surrounded by said that equality between men and women was attained and that it was my problem and lack of abilities/grit/stamina if I did not fulfill my desires. I remember arguing with a dear friend about this, her point being: If you want something. Just get it. Don’t blame men or structures for your lack of ability to reach your goals.
I did not have the words or knowledge to make a decent counterargument at that time. But my gut knew: There is something rotten in the state of patriarchy.
Today I’m better equipped to make the argument that both the inequality in possibilities between the sexes throughout the globe and the constant striving for more, for growth, for prestige for profit, allows for a self-centered, immature energy that has no regard for sustainability in any sense. And that is destroying the planet and everyone on it.
A hefty price tag
I know now that I am not cut out to be part of this. And that that’s a great thing about me. But this realization has come with a hefty price tag: It’s cost me 2 times stress and x number of jobs I never thrived in – and of course countless sleepless nights and myriads of internal arguing. For a long time, I felt like a failure for not feeling happy and able, when doing what I was expected to do. For many years I loathed and shamed myself for not sufficing. In hindsight, though, I understand that it is not I, who is lacking. It is the patriarchal system that demands of me what no human can provide. And on top of that teaches me to internalize the shame about it.
I’m supposed to feel bad and work my butt off for a low wage. Then come home and work some more. To do what? Get more stuff. More commodities. This way, we will never save the planet.
I know now that it’s a double bind, I can never win. But I will change the game.
And somehow my 15-year-old self knew that.